It has been a while

Hello Dear Friends,

First I want to thank you for your kind words, they have helped a lot. These last couple of months have really sucked, but they will get better as all things do. But still sometimes I want to cry and other times I want to get really mad. Not at anybody just at the whole damn thing. Ben keeps telling me that anger is not good for you, well neither is keeping it in and pretending you aren't mad. But of course he just lectures me and then he realizes he is lecturing me and apologizes. The fact that he was in the hospital sucked, the fact that we missed our entire summer really sucks. By the way Alysha, Happy Birthday, sorry I missed it, but I know it is on the 9th and you like me turned a whopping 28 years old. You know what really sucks is that he is not him anymore and I have decided if this is good or not. I miss the guy that teased me all the time, now if he does it seems forced. I miss the witty comebacks and how he could think of anything. The only thing that did not suck was that I felt like me again, and I have not felt like that for a really long time. People at my work are wondering what happened to me, "well I am me again, just a little more willing to stand up for myself." Oh and I got to get to know my brother-in-law and his boyfriend. They are so great, we went and saw Mama Mia twice and I loved it both times.

On a different note I am back in school for the semester. I am glad, but I am really tired. My MS doesn't do well when I am stressed but I have an appointment with a specialist on the first. We will see what he says, I am hoping he says something like, "Wow those doctors you have seen before me don't know what the hell they are talking about, you don't have MS." Hey it is wishful thinking I know but at least I am being wishful. Anyways back to talking about school, I am taking a Geology class and as much as I hate science it is fairly interesting for rocks and magma. I am taking a family finance class and learning how to balance my check book and do my taxes. Now I am thinking this might be good because I am tired of dealing with boring accountants who do nothing but crunch numbers all day and talk about debits. Seriously if they aren't married they need to get that way or at least find a girlfriend. (I know not all accountants are like this, my brother in law is an accountant, and he likes Mama Mia. He is the good kind of accountant). I am taking a young adult literature class, and this I like because we get to read and talk about all sorts of cool books. I read White Fang, which I never thought I would do that and I wanted to hop in to the story and beat all the dirty bastard who were mean to him. I also read the Chocolate War, which I really did enjoy and got in to a few discussions with classmates how high schoolers do bad things (not all of course). I got a lot of "well my kids would never do that nor would their friends or any other kids that age." Hello, have you heard of Columbine, they were high school kids and once you step out of sheltered little Utah you will find this whole big crazy wonderful world. Sorry now I am just venting, Utah is a good state. The last class I am taking is an Italian Renaissance class, oh yeah baby it is history in its best form. We just studied the black plague, which wasn't actually called the black plague. It should be called "A freaking lot of people died because they weren't immune to the crap that mice and fleas carry." or the "Damn, I should not have let that guy breathe on me plague." It is all very interesting and very sad, but good things did come from it. It marked the end of serfdom in Europe and a lot of nobles and lords lost their power because they lost the workers of their lands and the impoverished people gained lands from landowners infected with the plague. Oh it is good stuff.

Anyways I best get going, Ben should be here any minute to pick me up and I have to go home to cook dinner and do homework. Love ya all and by the way I am glad you stop by Eve, it is great to hear from you.

Finally Home for a DAY!!!

Wow we are finally home!!  Of course it isn't for long, we have to head back out to Salt Lake tomorrow for more rehab but we got to come home today after a month at the hospital.  Update because I haven't talked to any of my three readers but Ben was in a motorcycle accident, a damn antelope jumped out in front him as he was cruising along at 75mph down the highway.  I would like to say that this has been the most traumatic thing that ever happened to us, I can't say that. Ben was in the ICU and if I ever have to see him with a ventilator shoved down his throat I don't know what will happen.  He whacked his head pretty hard and had a traumatic brain injury, which caused other problems.  I saw severe mood swings, along with a lot of frustration, but in the end Ben is going to be okay.  The biggest problem now is that he has to get approval to drive and to go back to work but he has to hang out with me.  HAHA Sucker!!!  No just kidding he isn't a sucker, but I really think there was a higher power looking out for him and we had some important lessons to learn.  I just got to put things to put in to a new perspective and I think life will be better.  I had forgotten who I was for a time and for the first time in a long time I feel like me again.  You know sarcastic but sweet, kind of shit but still likeable.  I think things will be better.

Wow, look at me go! (Three in one day)

I just wanted to write a few lyrics down to some songs or quotes that either make me think about my life, make me happy or I just really like:

1) "Sometimes you reach what is real just by making believe."
2) "I don't have anything in my life that effects me negatively, one by one I am weeding out the negative cancers."
3) "But the struggles make you stronger, the changes make you wise and happiness has a way of taking it's sweet time"
4) "When you can't walk anymore you crawl, and when you can't crawl you find somebody to carry you"
5) "You're the fighter, you've got the fire, the spirit of a warrior the champion's heart. You fight for your life because a winner never quits"
6) "Isn't it wonderful that you need not wait a moment before changing the world"
7) "You might even wind up being glad to be you"
8) "It is impossible to make happiness for others before finding it for yourself."
9) "I've dealt with my ghosts, faced all my demons, finally content with a past I regret. -Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down the road."
10) "YIPPEE KAY-EE MOTHER %^*(#@"
11) "My wife rolled out of bed this morning jumped on her menstraul cycle and ran my ass over"
12) "Life has been patiently waiting for me and I know there are no guarantees, but I know that I am not alone"
13) "I know something is coming, I don't know what it is but I know it is amazing, can save me, my time is coming. I will find my way out of this longest drought."
14) "You treat life like a picture, but it is not a moment in time and it is not going to wait for you to make up your mind."
15) "Amen I am alive!"
16) "Everyone has something beautiful, the trick is finding it before it dies."

Here I sit

Well here I sit at my desk listening to the rain hit the roof. I would walk home but it is raining like crazy and I thought that today would be a great day to wear sandals. Should have paid attention to the dark clouds in the sky this morning but I really wanted to wear my new pants and because the are short pants they only look right with sandals. It is scary but sometimes fashion comes before common sense and this is when I feel like a girl.

Things are better, I got to go home this last week and see some old friends. It was amazing to see how some people have grown up and how some people will never change. I hope I have changed, I don't think I am as mean as I use to be. I shake a little more now than I ever did but oh well I am still here. I just can't get over how great it was. I got to see some of my best friends be amazing mom's. I just want to recap what I saw.

Lucy- Holy crap what an amazing mom, I never thought I would see Lucy hand down authority like that. We use to stay up until all hours of the night watching movies, and she was the person that told me that before I ever frenched kissed a guy to practice on my fingers. By the way Lucy if you read this I think that was part of the reason I had to go to therapy. :) My mom caught me and oh shit it was over. But seriously Lucy you looked so beautiful and happy, and you have the cutest little girl. I am kind of envious, but very proud of you.

Lena- I never thought my friend Lena would become a mom. She use to tell her little brother how much she hated him. Oh yeah and she looked better than ever, even when she was happily munching down on her big green salad. Short hair makes your ears appear smaller, oh yeah your welcome. You just looked all grown up and I really wish I could have met your kids, but life is hard when you have to depend on someone else for a ride. I am proud of you Leners, you are just amazing.

Kyla-The only difference between Kyla then and now is she can buy beer legally, and she is really, really happy. Oh yeah and she has a beautiful baby that thankfully looks like her daddy. Heaven forbid she grows up to be beautiful like her mom. Kyla is still as mean as ever, I think it is the Peggy in her, but she is still one of the best friends that I have ever had. (even when she pisses me off) I am grateful for Kyla and her friendship, and if she ever reads this I hope she will remember how much I love her. By the way I didn't tell my mom what we talked about so if you see her remember she is nuts and doesn't need to know everything.

Alysha- First off I am seriously jealous. Holy crap what an amazing life, I want to go somewhere besides Utah. Utah is nice an all but it just isn't exciting and I am getting sucked in to a culture that I don't fit in. You are just amazing and you just beam with happiness, it is like you don't care what people think of you. I think that is great and let me in on that secret sometime. You are just amazing and totally capable of accomplishing everything you ever wanted. Dude I love you.

Kelly- I am proud of my friend Kelly, she is doing exactly what she wanted and she is good at it. I still can't get over the fact that she has five kids, but she is really good at being mom and they are all really cute. It isn't really fair though she was almost due, had kids running around everywhere and still looked sane and cute. I look dead more than 90% of the time, it just isn't right. Oh yeah and I am insane most of the time, but I am blaming that on meds. Oh yeah and she married the nicest guy in the world, they are so cute.

To make this a little bit shorter, there are just so many things I can say about the people I went to high school with. I am happy that Ben Warren married somebody that keeps in line and that he gets to be dad now. I love that the other Ben married Melissa, mostly because I love Melissa and she needs a nice guy that will keep her under control. I miss my friend Rich, I miss his compassion for others and I am happier than hell that he quit perming his hair. Oh yeah and I love his wife, what an awesome chick. I think Misty looks more beautiful than she did ten years ago, she definitely has some some of the same characteristics but she married a great guy (yes I love Dave) that loves her very much and she has beautful daughters. She seems to like herself more and I think that is great. She also seems to be exactly what Dave needs. I am happy that Levi Kindall found someone that is smart enough to know what a good thing is, and he makes a great dad. Levi Harrison will never freaking change, ever, but I think that is why I love him. I know what to expect from him and his really fantastic wife seems to make him stay in line. I don't know what she is doing but I hope she is beating him. I was glad to see Geni, she has a contagious laugh and seems truly happy no matter what people think. I am happy that life is going well for her. I am glad that Mike Macedo is doing well, I love that guy. I am glad that he and Kyla split, they didn't work well but they both have moved on and are grown up enough to be friends. It is kind of like they were never married. And finally, (oh I hope I didn't miss anybody) I was really glad to see Josh, I missed him a lot. He really pissed me off a couple of years ago, but he grew up like we all did. I have kind of gone through hard things for a while whether it be God's purpose or self-inflicted but I try to remember the people that have touched my life. He was a good friend to me, plus I had a crush on him. I just remember the things he helped me through just like the people reading this blog have. So I couldn't be mad at him forever and I really just miss my friend.

Okay I have gone on long enough. Anyone that might dare read this might be tired by now. I just want to say thanks again to my old friends and I really hope we don't have to wait 10 years to see each other again. I love you all.

more things I learned

68. No matter what you can always go home.
69. Whether it is 2 months or 10 years real friends will always be your friends.
70. The people you love the most can break your heart the fastest.

Life right now

Things right now are okay.  Okay not really the kind of suck, but I am trying to make them better. People keep telling me to keep a positive attitude and I really am trying, but things suck right now.  I feel crazy, I think I am driving Ben crazy, and I just want to be okay.  I hate fear, I really hate it.  I have been a worrier my entire life, I remember when I was a kid I was always worried about hurting someone's feelings or making my parents feel bad.  But now fear has crept in with the worry and top that off with a side of prednisone and you just feel nuts.  Ben yells at me whenever I say I am crazy, but I really do feel that way.  Don't worry for anyone who might read this, I am not psycho nuts I am just having a hard time.  I want to be okay, but like Ben says my definition of okay is going to change and I don't like that.  I don't like any of it.  I know it is all in God's plan for me and He does have a plan for me, but I still kind of wish He would of sat down with me and shown me the outline.  

Things I have learned thus far, I will add to this when I learn more

As I was laid up in bed the other day when the worst headache of my life I thought about the things that I have learned so far in my life, give it a read if you want to.
1. No matter how hard I try my husband can always see through my bullshit.
2. Never expect anything from anyone, that way when they surprise you it will be more worthwhile.
3. Ice cream can fix anything
4. Never give up on your family you never know when they might need you or you might need them.
5. Cats make good friends.
6. No matter how much Heather (my sister) pisses me off I will always love her.
7. A kind word from a loved one can change your whole day.
8. I couldn't make it if it weren't for my whole family.
9. New or old, they are all my family.
10. Ben will never get me, but he loves me regardless.
11. If anybody ever suggests sticking a needle in to your back, kick them and run like hell.
12. Nothing can get in the way of my dreams, slow me down maybe but never stop me.
13. Knowing I will be with my family when all is said and done is worth it.
14. My sisters can always make me laugh.
15. Ben can't fix everything, but he sure does make it easier.
16. I have no room left in my life for anger.
17. Three year olds can make you forget the bad stuff.
18. Life is too short not to enjoy it.
19. I wish I was a kid again.
20. Friends are important, even if you just have one.
21. I really want to bake and make teddy bears.
22. Teddy bears can make you feel better.
23. Nascar and WWF don't make you any smarter.
24. I like sad bastard flicks, they make me feel better about my life.
25. Teenagers piss me off.
26. Tommy has important things to say, I just wish I spoke cat
27. You can learn a lot from people.
28. Don't take things for granted, you never know when it is going to disappear.
29. Somedays I just want to be left alone
30. People can get better
31. Love everybody you can.
32. Listen to good music with a meaning.
33. Sometimes burping is the nicest feeling, sometimes farting feels even better.
34. Laugh as often as you can, laugh lines show character.
35. Fear will make you crazy
36. Listen to the doctors they usually know more than you do.
37. My husband is the greatest man alive, followed closely by my dad, his dad and my friend Chad.
38. I have a few true friends, that makes me lucky.
39. My mother doesn't need to know everything.
40. I love my husbands friends especially Lisle, David and Jason.
41. Adventures happen everyday even if you don't leave the house.
42. I really like to travel.
43. Arcade games are fun, I suck but they are still fun.
44. I am not very good at most things, but I am going to keep trying.
45. I have a twisted mind, but so does Ben that is why we work
46. I hate to make my dad worry.
47. Sometimes I just need my mom.
48. Heidi scares me.
49. I don't know why but sometimes it is just fun to piss my mom off.
50. My mother-in-law will never be my mom, but I love her just as much.
51. I will always be a Kerr, but now I have the privilege of being a Thompson too.
52. Spell check doesn't know everything.
53. Despite her flaws my stepmom has a beautiful heart.
54. Heidi has a twisted mind, I think that is why we get along so well.
55. Sandi just gets me, or at least she pretends to, but she likes me anyway.
56. I hate headaches, I really hate them.
57. Asking for help is the hardest thing in the world.
58. I have met some real assholes in my life.
59. Not everybody needs to know my problems, most people don't care anyway.
60. There is healing power in helping others.
61. I will never drink it again for multiple reasons, but I really like coffee.
62. I wish it were autumn all year round.
63. I miss Idaho, or maybe it is just my family.
64. I like it when Ben giggles.
65. Intelligence is sexy, Know-it-Alls are annoying.
66. No matter how bad a waitress is, if you throw up on the table tip her big.
67. Always tip your waitress something even if it just a bag of skittles, as long as she brings you your food and fills your water that is more than what you get at home.

I am not very nice

Recently I have made a discovery about myself, I am a sick individual.  Health wise and also I think I might have something wrong upstairs.   I must tell the story of Sammy the Seal for anyone, which is no one to understand.  Sammy was caught in the oil spills of Alaska, and thankfully he got lucky and was rescued and taken to marinas in California, where he lived happily for many years.  He was fine there, he learned to perform and the crowds loved him.  Then the animal rights activists got involved (bless their little hearts) and demanded that Sammy "the show seal" now be released in to his natural habitat which he had been taken out of and taught to live with the humans.  So after a great battle, the marina agreed to put Sammy back in to the ocean.  The day finally arrived for Sammy to return to his natural environment, and there was a big ceremony.  News reporters, government officials, people from the marina and his fans were all there to see Sammy off.  They let Sammy out of his cage and he ran down the beach, he even turned to wave goodbye.  He jumped in to the ocean and began to swim away.  Tears were flowing from the shoreline.  Sammy could be seen jumping and swimming away, and then guess who showed up, Mr. Killer Whale who rose up out of the water and swallowed Sammy.  This is why I am sick, as are my sisters, my husband and my best friend, that is the funniest story I have ever heard.  Not because Sammy died, I like seals but because of the idiots on the shoreline gasping in disbelief when an animal gets eaten by another animal. Hello it is nature get over it, but it still makes for a funny damn story. 

Now you want to know why I am not nice, I was telling the story to a girl I work with and as I was sitting across the office from her I could see the tears filling her eyes and that should have stopped me.  Maybe at one time it would have, but not this time.  I kept going and going and going, and I kept laughing and laughing and laughing.  Not because she was crying but because it is a funny story.  Come on it is a seal.  But of course this is the same girl that asked me if I thought she should call animal control because it was hot outside and there were cows in the field and she didn't see any water for them.  They are cows, they're not smart, there is a reason that we eat them.  They don't hang around their water, they graze the fields, besides what is the farmer going to do put them in the house.  "Oh come on Mr. Cow, I have your bed all made for you, please don't crap on my carpets."  

I am not sure where this sickness came from.  Maybe it runs in the family, maybe I picked it up from my husband, or maybe I picked it up in high school when my friend and I used to draw pictures of the people we had no use for and do evil thing to them in the pictures.  I am not quite sure, but whatever it is I am sick and I am the one who must live with it.  

Just more thoughts and feelings

Sometimes things happen to people, who aren't bad people, they are just people. They are trying to get along the best they can, and they don't do everything right. Sometimes they say shit to often in a day, refer to teenagers as little bastards, dislike the relief society or enjoy movies with killing and violence, but they do love people and there isn't anything they wouldn't do to help. They try to bring comfort to every person in their life, they are a friend and a companion, and not a bad person at all. They are trying the best they can to get along, and then they get knocked down. I can't imagine that the Lord is picking on a person, just showing them strength they didn't know they had. It is too bad He couldn't just send a note. But then again who learns things from notes. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier. A new quote has recently come in to my life and it is probably one of the best ones that I have ever heard, "When you can't walk anymore you crawl, and when you can't crawl anymore you let somebody carry you." Does that mean you give up? Gosh I hope not, it just means you do that thing that you have never been very good at, you ask for help. The Lord's help, the help of a friend, or a loved one, somebody to do something to help you forget or ease your pain or give you a hug when you need it, someone to tell you that it is going to be okay even if it is not going to be okay in the way that you want it to. Because maybe you are scared, and maybe you are afraid, maybe you are thinking about the future and a time when it will hurt to wiggle your toes, or when people will make fun of you for running. I don't want to be able to not wiggle my toes. It all puts living in the now in to great perspective and enjoying every moment when you can walk, and ride a bike, jump on your husband or wrestle with your sisters. I know that it makes us all stronger in the end, and I know it can make you a better person but that still doesn't make it easy.

Not that there are any readers, but if so please don't respond and just let me vent

Why is it and who are we supposed to serve? I just read a friends blog and it made me think about service and issues that I have with the whole idea of it. Service is a good thing, I honestly believe that part of the reason we are come to earth is to serve and do for others. It is a good thing, as Martin Luther said, good men do good works. Service is a good work. It brings us closer to Heavenly Father and makes us less self-centered and less self involved. We become better people by providing services to others and we can grow immensely from it.

When does it become a problem? Now this is an issue I am having in my own life, and maybe I am totally off base or just being stupid but this is how I feel. It becomes a problem when you are forced to serve. Service should be voluntarily and come from the heart. Where is the love going to be if I just called some person, that I don't even know, because some lady came to my house and told me it was my responsibility and I needed to make it my priority to visit people that she assigned to me. People are not assignments and how can I properly serve somebody when I am made to feel like they are just assignments. Just as I am an assignment to some other person. "I don't really care about you, but I have to ask because I need to get my assignment done." Yes, but it needs to be my priority and I can just put my husband, my job, and my school aside. Ben is more important to me than any of those things, but those other things are part of my life and they take precedence over any person who is assigned to me. Maybe it is a bad attitude, but if I am going to serve and truly help somebody it is going to be from my heart and because I really want to.